How do we Hold Space for Grief?

Originally Published March 30, 2023

As spring is slowly transitioning from rainy days to occasional bouts of sunshine, I am still gradually transitioning out of the hibernation mode of winter. I am finding small joys in spring flowers, especially the cactus blooms in my neighborhood or the wildflower blooms across the southern California deserts. These snippets of joy feel especially important as I find myself grieving so much in my work environment and in our world, from school shootings to short staffing to recent patient deaths in the NICU where I work.Sometimes it's hard to know where to place our grief since there are so few places where it has space to be acknowledged.

Often at unexpected times and in unexpected ways, something will remind me of a patient I cared for who has since passed away. It can be a familiar perfume or similar sounding name - the memories can jolt back suddenly, like a shock up my spine. I try to allow myself to sit with the memories instead of pushing them down right away, giving myself space to feel whatever the grief decides to feel like that day - anger, sadness, frustration, sometimes bittersweet joy. Grief can feel like a constant in our role as healthcare workers - I often find myself yearning for a different world for my patients especially when I am navigating structures that I do not have the power to change.

I recently wrote a piece for Interfaith America on the need for grief rituals for healthcare workers. There were so many moments in my training and in my life as a NICU hospitalist where I wish we had formalized ways to grieve with each other, to acknowledge the suffering we witness, to celebrate and mourn the ones we have lost. I often wish the culture of healthcare allowed us the space to share our grief with each other and to allow dedicated time to honor the humanity of the patients we serve. 

Our dear friend Shreya shared with me a beautiful quote about grief from author Jamie Anderson. Anderson writes "Grief is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. Grief is just love with no place to go."  I love this expression of grief because it reminds me that the root of grief is deep love, love that is searching for an outlet, that deserves space to be acknowledged. As I notice feelings of grief, especially on hard days, I try to be gentle with myself, to remind myself that grief has many edges and shapes that may encompass anger, sorrow, and also unexpected crevices that allow us to feel joy and love.

How do you find space to acknowledge grief? What rituals do you find helpful? We'd love to hear from you.

With gratitude,

Anu and Laura

PC: AG- Diamond Valley Lake, California